Fathers and daughters

There is a hole in my heart. A hole I want filled but possibly this is an un-fulfill-able wish. It gets bigger as December 25 approaches. No doctor can fix the problem.

I hear that If you don't get what you want, often it means you didn't want it badly enough. In light of my wish I wanted to test this theory. A new Google invention, the Time Reverser reverses and freezes time at the point where one wants time to stop and then it goes forward once again, per one's instruction. I felt that I had hit the jackpot. I became convinced that this would be the tool that would close the hole in my heart. So, on Black Friday, I went and got myself this new gadget from a store nearby. It is a convoluted contraption of bright plastic possibly created by a 3-D printer. Once I got it, I couldn't wait to open it and use it and see if it did close the hole in my heart.

As soon as I returned to my silent home, quietly, I opened the box, took out the Time Reverser and the manual and assembled the various parts and voila, there it was an imposing structure that beckoned me to make my wish come true. The manual instructed that only one pivotal event could be reversed and that if I made a mistake and tried the wrong event, and retried, things could go haywire and time could begin to speed forward at a pace that would be hard to keep up with and this would naturally hasten my own end. Heeding this dire warning, I got a piece of paper from the waste basket and got a pencil with an eraser and began jotting down the reverse path I wanted to take to get to that all-important pivotal event. It was a no-brainer.  A decision made in August 2010 would be this precise point I would reverse time to because this was when, out of the blue, I began to look at possible vacation spots to consider for the fall. Ultimately, this decision made the future course of events to spiral out of control and create the hole in my heart.

Barcelona in fall felt irresistible. The vacation was a cruise that left from this jewel of a city and took us to Italy and Greece with stopovers in Monaco and then on our way back at Majorca.  Things just came together.  This was when I discovered Waytostay.com the international agency that booked elegant short stay apartments for travelers. I booked our trip and was really excited about it. Our long time friends Raj and Suma were to spend a few days with my husband and me in Barcelona and together the four of us were to go on short trips to the nearby Montserrat and other places locally before Raj and Suma returned to the US. I was to leave on this vacation on October 20.

Soon after all was in place, my father who had a few health issues like having to go for dialysis three times a week, suddenly took ill and had to be admitted to emergency. Ultimately, he returned home feeling healthier than ever and once again was his own energizer bunny self. I breathed a sigh of relief. Things were hopping along all right but within weeks, once again, my dad had to be taken to emergency and once again he returned home feeling good and looking like new. However, this time, I realized that I could not leave for Europe without finding a substitute for me while I was away. The best arrangement seemed to be to drive my parents to Boston where they would stay with a close family friend for ten days. I made the necessary calls and all logistics were taken care of, including identifying a place for dialysis. I felt better now. This is when my father proposed that he'd go to India instead. He did some quick research and found inexpensive air tickets and booked his tickets to leave for India on October 16. I felt nervous about this as I was afraid that in India he might not get the kind of medical attention he would in the U.S. So I made him promise that as soon as I returned from Europe I'd bring him and my mother back to the US. Now I felt better and after seeing my parents off on the 16th, per schedule I left for Barcelona on the 20th. After an exhilarating trip, when I returned I phoned my father and asked him when I could bring him back. He said that he'd like to wait till March as by then the weather would be warmer in New York. This made sense though I was still concerned about his health. For now, I phoned him. He sounded happy though dealing with my mother who has been in depression since early 2006 was not easy on him. There was nothing I could do about this and so I advised him to just stay focused on his health. Indeed, he was enjoying the warm weather, the proximity to his extended family, and the freedom of movement which was restricted in New York because of my constant supervision.

This tranquility was shattered on December 24. His birthday was December 25 and here I was in New York planning a celebration at my home as a relative was visiting whose birthday was also on the 25th. On Friday, December 24, my aunt called and said that I should go to India immediately as my father was  on a ventilator. I had spoken to him on the 23rd and yes, he did say that his potassium had shot up to 8.1.  He had eaten the wrong kinds of food offered to him by relatives who did not take his diet restrictions seriously. He just went along as he was that sort of a person.

I reached India on the 26th early morning and dad had died two hours after I had boarded the plane at 11:30 p.m. at JFK on the 24th night, already the 25th in India. The moment he completed 81 years on this earth he took his last breath.

I crank back Google's Time Reverser to August 2010 and guess whom I saw last night. It was no other than my energizer bunny dad with his signature broad smile that in no time filled up the hole in my heart. Indeed, if you really want something you just have to try real hard.  

Ciao!