Fathers and daughters

There is a hole in my heart. A hole I want filled but possibly this is an un-fulfill-able wish. It gets bigger as December 25 approaches. No doctor can fix the problem.

I hear that If you don't get what you want, often it means you didn't want it badly enough. In light of my wish I wanted to test this theory. A new Google invention, the Time Reverser reverses and freezes time at the point where one wants time to stop and then it goes forward once again, per one's instruction. I felt that I had hit the jackpot. I became convinced that this would be the tool that would close the hole in my heart. So, on Black Friday, I went and got myself this new gadget from a store nearby. It is a convoluted contraption of bright plastic possibly created by a 3-D printer. Once I got it, I couldn't wait to open it and use it and see if it did close the hole in my heart.

As soon as I returned to my silent home, quietly, I opened the box, took out the Time Reverser and the manual and assembled the various parts and voila, there it was an imposing structure that beckoned me to make my wish come true. The manual instructed that only one pivotal event could be reversed and that if I made a mistake and tried the wrong event, and retried, things could go haywire and time could begin to speed forward at a pace that would be hard to keep up with and this would naturally hasten my own end. Heeding this dire warning, I got a piece of paper from the waste basket and got a pencil with an eraser and began jotting down the reverse path I wanted to take to get to that all-important pivotal event. It was a no-brainer.  A decision made in August 2010 would be this precise point I would reverse time to because this was when, out of the blue, I began to look at possible vacation spots to consider for the fall. Ultimately, this decision made the future course of events to spiral out of control and create the hole in my heart.

Barcelona in fall felt irresistible. The vacation was a cruise that left from this jewel of a city and took us to Italy and Greece with stopovers in Monaco and then on our way back at Majorca.  Things just came together.  This was when I discovered Waytostay.com the international agency that booked elegant short stay apartments for travelers. I booked our trip and was really excited about it. Our long time friends Raj and Suma were to spend a few days with my husband and me in Barcelona and together the four of us were to go on short trips to the nearby Montserrat and other places locally before Raj and Suma returned to the US. I was to leave on this vacation on October 20.

Soon after all was in place, my father who had a few health issues like having to go for dialysis three times a week, suddenly took ill and had to be admitted to emergency. Ultimately, he returned home feeling healthier than ever and once again was his own energizer bunny self. I breathed a sigh of relief. Things were hopping along all right but within weeks, once again, my dad had to be taken to emergency and once again he returned home feeling good and looking like new. However, this time, I realized that I could not leave for Europe without finding a substitute for me while I was away. The best arrangement seemed to be to drive my parents to Boston where they would stay with a close family friend for ten days. I made the necessary calls and all logistics were taken care of, including identifying a place for dialysis. I felt better now. This is when my father proposed that he'd go to India instead. He did some quick research and found inexpensive air tickets and booked his tickets to leave for India on October 16. I felt nervous about this as I was afraid that in India he might not get the kind of medical attention he would in the U.S. So I made him promise that as soon as I returned from Europe I'd bring him and my mother back to the US. Now I felt better and after seeing my parents off on the 16th, per schedule I left for Barcelona on the 20th. After an exhilarating trip, when I returned I phoned my father and asked him when I could bring him back. He said that he'd like to wait till March as by then the weather would be warmer in New York. This made sense though I was still concerned about his health. For now, I phoned him. He sounded happy though dealing with my mother who has been in depression since early 2006 was not easy on him. There was nothing I could do about this and so I advised him to just stay focused on his health. Indeed, he was enjoying the warm weather, the proximity to his extended family, and the freedom of movement which was restricted in New York because of my constant supervision.

This tranquility was shattered on December 24. His birthday was December 25 and here I was in New York planning a celebration at my home as a relative was visiting whose birthday was also on the 25th. On Friday, December 24, my aunt called and said that I should go to India immediately as my father was  on a ventilator. I had spoken to him on the 23rd and yes, he did say that his potassium had shot up to 8.1.  He had eaten the wrong kinds of food offered to him by relatives who did not take his diet restrictions seriously. He just went along as he was that sort of a person.

I reached India on the 26th early morning and dad had died two hours after I had boarded the plane at 11:30 p.m. at JFK on the 24th night, already the 25th in India. The moment he completed 81 years on this earth he took his last breath.

I crank back Google's Time Reverser to August 2010 and guess whom I saw last night. It was no other than my energizer bunny dad with his signature broad smile that in no time filled up the hole in my heart. Indeed, if you really want something you just have to try real hard.  

Ciao!

Calendars, Timetables

A timetable is too binding for me. This is probably so for all free-spirited people. My psyche has a built-in clock and it needs no winding or battery and possibly it runs on solar power. My memory is excellent and I can remember my schedule, which is what a timetable keeps in an organized manner, with accuracy at all times. So, even the seductiveness of the modern gadgets escapes me. I never understood the need to scribble down every single detail of my known future activities on a calendar or an organizer to use a modern term. I’m more interested in the unknowable part of my future.

Having said I am not overly organized, I also envy people who are organized to a fault. Oh, how much envied those who even timed their babies’ birth to sync with the calendar. Let me explain. I have friends who wanted their kids to be born before the year ended, and labor was induced to make this happen if the baby took its own sweet time to be born. Often the reason behind this was, the kid to make the school cut-off date, which in most places is the last day of the year. Maybe if I too was diligent about recording everything on a calendar I too could have timed my children’s birth. I still managed to enroll my January and February born kids into a higher grade after they were tested and were certified as being ready though they had to go to a private K as the public schools are strict with respect to the Kindergarten.

For sure, one date I know that will be impossible to mark on a calendar is the date I will take my last breath on this earth. I don’t mean to sound morbid but a great deal of reality is morbid. Here is one proof. 

An acquaintance of mine is obsessive about recording everything on her wall calendar. I don’t know where else she duplicates these entries. From a distance her calendar looks ant-infested. I haven’t paid close attention as to what the entries are but I cannot imagine her calendar could be filled with important activities every single day of the week. She wasn’t even working anymore. Her profession used to be podiatry. She was my son’s classmate’s/possibly his soul mate’s mother. The fist time I met her was at my son’s and her daughter’s undergraduate college. We met but there was no instant connection and though a bit “fobbish,” she certainly came across as a nice person. Her daughter Shefa was a valedictorian while my son cruised along.

The next time I met Jawahara is the day I heard that Shefa had died in an accident in South America during her spring break. I heard this on April 1. My first reaction was, is someone playing April Fool’s on Jawahara and her family. Alas, this turned out to be not true.  As soon as I heard the news I rushed to Jawahara’s house as if she was my flesh and blood. I knew my son was close to her and him being out of town that day, I felt it my moral obligation to be near her. I had never seen a home plunged in such darkness. The lights shone bright but sorrow spoke the same language in every home regardless of the religion or customs practiced in that home. I had no words to console Jawahara, a fellow mother indescribably grief-stricken. Though she moaned like a slaughtered animal, I don’t think the reality of it all had yet struck her.  It’s not unusual for someone to not accept a loved one’s death until one sees the corpse. Even then you look for signs of life. I did when I saw my late father’s body laid out in an Ice box in the living room in my aunt’s house in India. The body was being preserved till I arrived from the US and then within a couple of hours it was carried to the crematorium.

Jawahara too wasn’t going to be convinced of her beautiful daughter’s tragic and untimely demise until the body was delivered to her.

After a few days, the family held an informal memorial for Shefa at her home before a more formal one at a church on a later date. This is when I noticed the calendar on the wall filled with activities, appointments, events and so on. This is when it struck me that that calendar could not have foreseen the day Shefa was to be snatched away from her loved ones or did it but just kept it a secret considering what a horrible event it was going to be?

At the informal memorial, as I sat in the living room, a yearly calendar was being passed around.  I was told it had been created by Shefa as a gift to her parents. Every page of the calendar contained a picture of the angelic-looking Shefa surrounded by members of her extended family on her last trip in December to India. March 31 smiled back at her ominously from  the page across.